She is in my trunk
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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