1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
