I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
