i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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