Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
