So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
