I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
