life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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