your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
