I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
