what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
