Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
