Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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