The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
