I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize