dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I came so hard my ears popped.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
