I CAN MOONWALK!
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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