my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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