I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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