I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
