I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
