HIV tests are more positive than that guy
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
