i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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