i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
