i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize