He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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