So drunk its hurt
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
