glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
