As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
