Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
