I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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