this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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