you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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