it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
