I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
