your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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