I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize