Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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