I CAN MOONWALK!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
