he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
