Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
