i can't believe i had my finger in that
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize