don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
