I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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