the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
