Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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