I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just found puke in my bra..
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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