i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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