1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
