so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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