His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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