You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Panties = found
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