I just threw up on my dentist
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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