I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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