I hope mine doesn't look like that
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
