i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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