My Higher Power is John Stamos
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
