Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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