So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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