I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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