having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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