Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
