i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
