2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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