god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize