Please, let me fuck your mom
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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