Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
