So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
