Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
