I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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