If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
