Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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