If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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