I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Randomize
