Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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